Thursday, January 20, 2011

Here's what I think....

If you haven't read my previous post about my recurring dream from childhood then please read that first or this will make zero sense to you. It may make zero sense anyway.....but here I go.....

I have thought about this dream many times and usually come up with similar thoughts. My husband thinks the rock and the daisy represent that things are not always what they seem. I wish it was a bit more profound than that but I guess simple truths are just that...simple.

 Because I have to use ALOT more words to explain something than my husband I will now share my spin on this........First let me say I am obviously analyzing the dream some 30 years later and I have the gift of experience which I can hold up next to the dream. That helps makes sense out of something that baffled me as a child. I believe the dream was filled with teaching for me and it really  means something to me that I still remember it so vividly more than three decades later.

I think the daisy is all of the times when I put so much effort forth for something that I was not supposed to be doing. I think effort is the killer of inspiration. I am not talking about hard work or not doing things. I just mean that place we all get to when we are trying so hard to force something and it just isn't working. Sometimes our personal desire overrides a higher wisdom. We need to pause when something that looks like it should be so easy is not easy at all. Take a deep breath. Take a walk. Take a vacation. Get away from the thing and get some perspective. The daisy might not want to be picked or may not be ready to be picked. Or maybe it isn't 'your' daisy. The very same daisy may be effortlessly picked by another.

Then there is that big old rock that lifts like a feather.......same idea here for me....I think that we are meant to do certain things in this lifetime. Anointed for a certain something that is ours and ours alone (alone=with God) to do. It may be hard, it may be BIG, but it is ours and when we align ourselves with this greater plan then no matter how big or hard the task it will flow easily. It may be hard work, we may have to get up early and stay up late but it will feel effortless. We will be amazed that we can do this thing. We will wonder where we got the strength. It might surprise or shock others and yet because we took the time to try the impossible we will be led from one thing to the next. I believe this is what God was trying to tell me with this dream.

And what about my family and friends who couldn't recognize me......that one is tough. I can still feel the fear in that moment. The aloneness. The confusion. What I think it means is that those closest to me may not always understand or 'see' me but I must stay with what I know to be true for me and my life. It is also true that I may not understand or 'see' them. The vacant and empty look may have been more about them following the path that they needed to. I realize now that it doesn't really mean I am alone or abandoned. It is more symbolic than anything. I think it means I have to follow the rhythm of my own life and so does everyone that I love. Sometimes this may make us feel invisble towards each other.
We may feel alone but we are never, truly alone.
That is just a lie we tell ourselves.

 If God had spoken in words instead of images it may have sounded something like this:
"My Dearest and Beloved Kimberly,
I have great plans for you. They are yours and yours alone. Don't go for what appears to be easy. Go for the impossible and I will make it possible. Go to the mountain. Believe in yourself. Believe in me. I will move that mountain. You may have to bring a shovel. It may take alot of work but it won't feel like work. It will be easy and you will be in ME and I will be in YOU. Those closest to you may not see you or understand you. Learn to be ok with that. Just love them and let them love you. We all see what we choose to see. Please be the Kimberly that I made you to be and know that I see you. Do not try to convince others of your worth or of your dreams. Believe you have something to offer and offer it. I will be right here. ALWAYS and ALL WAYS."

I have only shared this dream with a handful of people over the years. I always knew it mattered. I always knew there was important information for me to learn and apply to my life. It is only in the decision to share it with a bigger audience that I am really seeing it for what it was. It is in the writing of it that I have gotten more clarity and that is why I return again and again to this blog.  You remind me that I am not alone. You help me make sense of life....and  to share my stories and to know that somewhere it impacts even just one other person is a great joy for me.
Now...go out and do that thing that ONLY you can do.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Rock and the Daisy

When I was a little girl I had a recurring dream that I still think about today. I cannot remember the last time I had the dream but I remember every vivid  detail.
In  the dream I was walking along a dirt road, if I had to guess an age I would say somewhere between 6 and 9. I was calm and content and the air was warm and the sun was shining. As I walked I noticed a daisy growing next to a big rock. When I got close enough I bent to pick the daisy and it was impossible. It felt like it weighed 10 tons. There was no way I could lift this daisy no matter how I tried. I don't know why I decided to try and lift the rock but I did. Much to my surprise I was able to lift it instantly and it was light as a feather. This was very disorienting and I wanted to tell somebody about it right away. I looked up and all of my family and all of many of my friends were coming around a 90 degree turn in the road up ahead. I hurried towards them excited and even a bit scared about what had just happened. I wanted somebody to explain it to me and help it make sense.
As I got closer to them I noticed they were all walking in a very robotic manner and the look on their faces was vacant and disturbing. I was waving my arms and making a commotion trying to get them to notice me.  I was calling their names and jumping up and down and they just kept walking, never speaking a word or giving me any eye contact. They walked right past me and kept on going, never looking back. I stared at them walking away from me for just a short while. I remember feeling so scared and alone and wondering what would I do , where would I go...where would I be safe.
When I was walking along the road towards the rock and the daisy the road was clear on both sides with big open fields, lots of green but no trees. Now that I was at this bend in the road it was deeply wooded on my right and as far as I could see up the road. I began to walk alone in the opposite direction of my 'people'.
Then I woke up.
I had this same exact dream many, many times.
What do you think?
Tomorrow I will tell you some of my thoughts.
Very, very strange.

Birthday Joy

I love this picture.....
The bangs that need trimming,  the cupcake madness, the plastic princess earrings...
Turning 4 in style!

Monday, January 17, 2011

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience,
but where he stands in times of
 challenge and controversy."
Martin Luther King Jr.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Lilly's 4th Birthday

Making the wish...if you close your eyes it comes true faster.

The Queen opening her presents.
It was decided earlier that she skipped right over the title of princess and went straight to Queen.
Should I be worried?

(notice the vintage stove in the that thing!)

Working on her painted tea set.
Apparently it helps when you stick your tounge out.
A very cold walk.

Watching Horton Hears a Who with Daddy.

Lilly turned 4 hard to believe that much time has passed us by already.
And the question always ringing in our ears is "what did we ever do without Lilly?"
She is funny and compassionate.
Sweet and sassy.
Tender and tough.
This day can never come without my thoughts going to Lilly's birth parents, especially her mother.
How could it be that 4 years ago today a woman gave birth to a little baby on the other side of the world.
And how could it be that we sat waiting for that very same little girl.
Every twist in the road. Every delay...ours or the government's or the postal system's.
Each day that I didn't work on the paper work to proceed with the adoption.
The promise from our agency that it would be 5-7 months after we turned in our paperwork before we were matched with a baby and then 7 months became 8 months became 9 months and ulitmately
became 2 long years.
It occurs to me to be so grateful for every perfect moment to bring us to this one sweet girl...our daughter.
My prayers go out to comfort the heart of a woman I will most likely never meet but lives in my heart always.
Thank you to Lilly's birth mother...thankyou for doing what must have broken your own heart in two.
Thank you for the greatest gift we have ever received.
Your courage amazes me. Your sadness lives in me.
I honor you. And our daughter is thriving...equal parts nature and nurture.
Perfectly herself.

Happy Birthday sweet, sweet girl......Lilly Marguerite KeXiu Stairs

What would we do without you?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Christmas Day

My favorite Christmas tree in a long, long time.
I even used tinsel. Tacky? Maybe, but it made me happy.
That's the main thing, right?

Our sweet Belle, minding the tree on Christmas Eve...something she has done for 14 years.
I have a feeling this could be the last.
What a gift she has been.

Pretty even without bows and ribbons.
Some year the paper has to stand on it's own.
Ya' know?

The Lilly Bean....waiting patiently for her gifts.

My dad passes out the gifts one by one so we all get to enjoy each other's gifts instead of ripping and tearing into things. I love taking our time to enjoy the whole thing. The wrapping, the thought behind the gift, the look on someone's face when they love their present and the look on the face of the person who
was so excited to give it.
All of it precious.
This year, no matter how much we tried to explain the gift tag and the whole to and from thing...Lilly was convinced every single gift was from my Dad which the kids call Dad Dad.
So, every time she opened something she would say..."Thank you Dad Dad." The first several times we corrected her...after that we just laughed! That's where 'remember the time' stories come from!

This coat deserves a post all it's own so I won't elaborate here....just suffice it to say it is adorable and she looks like a princess in it AND it was only $10. Seriously! One of those "you can't NOT buy it" situations.
More on the coat another day. I am thinking fresh snow, a walk with Lilly and my camera.
It's that cute.

Christmas Day was calm and peaceful which was just want I wanted and needed.
I wrapped presents on Christmas Eve, which I try never to do but this year it felt easy and I was still in bed by midnight. My father came in the morning and played Santa. We made a nice breakfast and then opened gifts. We went to my mother's for lunch and more gifts and then onto Scott's parents for dinner and presents. It seems like alot of running but so much less then we use to do. We were home by 8pm and I was asleep about 8:12. So much for watching Avatar...which I really wanted to watch as a family. Lately watching things as a family really means my kids watch it while I sleep. Am I getting old?
So it was a quiet Christmas and with all the changes in my life right now that was just perfect.
Maybe I will talk about changes in the next post.
For now I must focus on laundry and the dreaded job of returning ornaments to
their storage boxes for the next 11 months.
There are certain jobs I really can't stand and that is one of them.
 Another would be cleaning out the place you use to live. Yuck. has to be done and I have the promise of my friend
Roberta making dinner for me tonight with our good friend Metta joining
in and I work well with a reward waiting for me on the other side.
Who doesn't?

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