I'm. Still. Here.

This would have been day 13 of painting at the new house...IF I had actually gone there to paint.

Can you say meltdown?

I just couldn't get it together today to do anything. I can't seem to write three checks

and put them in envelopes with stamps and drive to the post office. I can't seem to tackle the dishes,

the laundry, the vacuum, the dinner. I can't seem to get the laptop off my lap.

I can't seem to stop drinking hot organic chai with creamy 1/2 and 1/2.

I can't seem to clear my mind.

Can you say overwhelm?

I am trying to be okay with just being still but this house is a mess and the new house isn't done and dreams are coming true very quickly. I didn't know that it was going to this hard.

It is tempting to think that you will suddenly be a different person when you are living your dreams.

But, NOPE....you are still just you.

I haven't forgotten about the happiness report...but today is not the day.

Stick with me tho, okay?

I'll be back with happy thoughts and pictures too.

xo

Happiness Report coming SOON!!!

I'm here.

I'm happy.

I'm hopeful.

I can feel the magic brewing.

I have decided to share my full happiness report after 48 hours instead of 24.

That would be tomorrow....sometime....who knows I might just shoot for a full 72 hours of happiness.

Watch out people, she's on a roll.....

But for right now I am knee deep in paint samples.

Maybe some people want a blue kitchen and they just go to the store and

choose 3 or 4 samples and pick from those.

NOT ME.

Not a chance. I have to pick around 50 (at least).

Then I have to see them in the day light, the natural light, candle light, night light.

Then I have to buy a small sample and paint it

on the wall to be sure.

You have to be sure.

It's a feeling I'm going for.

In this case I have painted huge leftover pieces of sheetrock and put them in the rooms

that may be painted that color.

It may be a sickness. I'm not sure but I KNOW I am not alone.

I find that comforting.

I have so much to say about happiness so please come back

very soon and I will tell you everything.

Going for the Happy

Today I am going for happiness.

I have had so much to do, so much stress...for soooooo long.

 I see the dreams coming true.

I should be ecstatic but I have been missing it because
I am overwhelmed/scared.

Believe it or not it is scary to have your dreams coming true.

Who knew?

After a long heart to heart with my soul sister last night we decided to just go for the happy.

I will report back later today about where I found happiness (hopefully with photos)

In the meantime I hope you follow happiness
wherever it leads you.

Think about this too:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech

My Girl

Just a Blip

This is my dog, Jack. Some breaking news about him at the end of this post. Keep Reading!

I was driving home last night and thinking about what makes me feel so connected to certain blogs and not so much to others. I guess this would be different for everyone but for me it is variety. I love a blog where sometimes I see what someone made for dinner, where they went for the day, something funny, something inspirational, a story about how they met their husband or how they decorated their child's bedroom. I like it when I feel like I really know this person and could meet up with them at the local cafe' and chat away like old friends. That is how I want people to feel about my blog and sometimes I'm not sure what my 'style' is. I am often shocked when I visit Google Analytics and see that people actually read my blog everyday. I feel insecure sometimes like what in the world do I really have to say that could be of any interest and what is the real purpose of a blog. I love to write but when I feel the pressure of it I sometimes stop liking it so much. When I write because I just need to get the thoughts and words out of my brain it feels really good. Of course my blog is for me in that way but the fact that it is not a journal on my nightstand makes me ask: What is the purpose of making my life so public. This then leads me back to the blogs of others and why I like them. What makes me return there day after day? This is what I realized: I like to know there are other woman that love what I love. I love that they live all over the country/world because it makes the world feel smaller and more connected. I like to know that others struggle and rejoice over the same things that I do. I love to see how each person puts their personal stamp on their blog and their life. Blogs make me feel less alone so that made me see that if my blog makes anyone feel less alone, makes them laugh, makes them think, inspires them to redecorate their bathroom or go so far as to adopt a child because they are moved by Lilly's story then it is worth spilling my guts on any topic that compells me a few times each week.

Here is what felt compelling to me last night. Making a list. A list of random facts about me and my life at this current moment.
* 3 out of my six family members have puked in the last 24 hours. Multiple times. *Edit: make that 4 out of 6
* My father makes me so sad with his lack of joy for simply being alive
* I am learning a lot about boundaries...where I can step away knowing I have done all that I can but still staying loving and compassionate. I find it is a fine art to balance things that feel opposite. Detached but connected.
* I can see the light at the end of the tunnel after 3 years of a financial crisis. I am not actually at the light and sometimes I still lay awake wondering how to keep my chin up just one more day. Then I look at my kids.
* Sometimes I wonder who I will be after this financial storm is over. I love to pay my bills and I love to pay them early. It has been very humbling to not be able to meet all of my obligations. It has made my husband consider suicide.
* It has threatened our marriage and our sanity
* I miss my Uncle Dick every single day. I can't believe he is gone and have to remind myself of this everytime I see his picture on the table by my couch. I can still hear his laugh like he is sitting right here reading over my shoulder.
* I had to borrow money (a lot) from people that I did not want to borrow it from. If you would have asked me prior to that moment I would have told you it was the last thing in the world I ever wanted to do. I did it for my kids.
* It makes me feel like my life will be under a microscope forever and even getting a pizza or seeing a movie will make me feel guilty.
* An opportunity to follow a life long dream has presented itself and of course the one thing I need I don't have...MONEY....so I find myself having to approach these people with an alternate solution. I have no idea what they will say and when I think about going to talk to them I feel really nervous. Nervous that they will say yes and nervous that they will say no. And knowing my life will really change if they say yes.
* I feel disonnected from my body a lot lately but the minute I go for a walk in nature I feel 'plugged in' again
* I miss Arizona. A LOT. Every.  Single.  Day.
* I feel such gratitude for my friends and family
* I want to turn the heat up right now but I don't feel like getting up from the couch.
* I love how I feel when I eat the Vegan diet. I find it hard to eat that way with three male meat eaters living in the same house. Eating animals sometimes tastes good to me but always makes me feel sad. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so 'awake'.
* I love summertime. Winter, not so much.
* I went to a memorial service the other day and realized that our life is just a blip on the radar screen of life. We can make it extraordinary but we don't have to. God gives us the raw material the rest is totally up to us.
* I hate sweet potatoes.
* I love to travel.
* I want to adopt more children. This time from Ethiopia. Haiti would be a possibility if that door opened up for us. My husband wants to adopt too. He is worried what his family will think. That doesn't even cross my mind. It's not the money he is worried about, it is the skin color. That makes me sad. And mad.  *Just to clarify: it is not him that is worried about race/skin color, he is worried what others will think. I think: WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK??? I am ebarrassed to be that close to ignorance and racism.
* I did a fundraiser to raise money for us and for others who are in the process of an adoption. I think there are some who might see me as crazy or unrealistic. They don't understand. They don't feel with my heart or think with my mind. That's fine with me. I am willing to look crazy for the sake of orphaned children. I don't lose a wink of sleep over that one.
* I have always have more laundry then I want to.
* I can't believe people expect the President to undo 8 years of a mess in 1 year.
* Haiti breaks my heart multiple times each day.
* Sometimes I think I could just drive away from everything I have ever known, taking my husband, my kids and my pets and letting the rest go and starting a while new life somewhere else.
* This list is getting kind of long.

So that's it for now. I just felt like putting the real me out there in blog land. It was fun to just write without any real censor or trying to make the different thoughts all connect. It was also freeing to not really know who is really reading this and what they might think about what I say. Turning 40 has been very liberating. I care about others more but care about what they think much less. Love that.

Remeber the breaking news about Jack the Dog??? Here it is: The most pressing thing I have to do today is renew Jack's dog license. I got a notice in the mail that they would issue a warrant if he wasn't licensed. A license to be a dog??? Are you Kidding? Really? Seriously? Welcome to my life folks.

Would you go to jail for this face?

So...what are you doing with your blip on the radar screen of life? Is it what you want to be doing? Tell me what it is you really, really, really want. I really, really, really want to know. Really.

STOP and REMEMBER

I wrote this almost two years ago and was going through old files on the computer this morning and found this one. I think it is worth sharing. The women in the story are real. They are not people I know personally but women that I have interacted with or seen out in the world. Take a moment today and read this and REMEMBER who you really are, unearth an old dream. Dust off an idea that just won't let go. Be brave. Be bold. Life is rather ordinary so much of the time....but we can make it extraordinary.

I SAW YOU TODAY

I saw you today. I was in line behind you at the convenience store. Your hair was bleached, you were wearing too much of the wrong kind of makeup, you were at least 100 pounds overweight, you were wearing cheap rings on every finger and a short top that revealed all of your excess weight and your belly ring, your clothes were stained and you kept tugging at your shirt as if you suddenly realized it may have not been the best fashion choice. You were buying 3 king size Butterfingers, a super-mega soda and a bag of Cheetos. You also purchased several dollars worth of scratch off tickets. My car was parked next to yours and I watched you get into your car which was old and dirty with several dents in the doors. The back seat had a car seat that was surrounded by garbage - old McDonalds bags, clothes, toys and a laundry basket filled with dirty laundry. I wanted to scoop you up and bring you to my home where we would immediately throw your clothes, your soda, your candy bars and your lotto tickets into the trash. You would soak for hours in my antique claw foot tub, surrounded by candles listening to Michael Buble’ sing ‘Everything’ while the full moon sparkled through the trees. When you emerged from your bath there would be a beautiful, soft pink towel waiting for you and a pair of comfortable cotton yet feminine pajamas. I would show you to the porch where a bowl of soup and fresh salad was waiting for you. The vegetables all organic, the ice water with a slice of fresh lemon and the warm bread just out of the oven. All prepared just for you. I would sit next to you and ask you about your dreams and what you wanted to be when you were a little girl. If you say you don’t know or can’t remember I will sit with you until you do. When it was time for bed I would show you the guest room where you would fall into 700 thread count sheets, layered with a down comforter and lots of scrumptious pillows. The windows would be open and a slight breeze would flutter the curtains. You will see the porch light from the window and you will hear the stillness of the woods and you will begin to remember who you really are.



I saw you today. You were at the school picking up your children. The epitome of a PTA mom. You were wearing the Mom clothes, you hair perfectly done, you lipstick on just right. You stepped out of your mini-van with your day planner in hand. Your children came running to greet and you knelt down to hug them. They were dressed perfectly with their hair neatly trimmed and smiling from ear to ear. I can tell they are loved. You are really listening to them tell you about their day asking each of them to wait there turn and not interrupt. You are patient and kind and loving. A good mother. But why can I feel a sense of quiet desperation seeping out of every cell of your body? Could it be that you too have forgotten who you are?



I saw you today. I was taking my daughter to the movies and you were there with your boyfriend. He was joking with you and saying things that were kind of funny but not respectful. When you were trying to tell him about your day he interrupted you. When you were telling him about an idea you had for an upcoming project at school he started yelling to his friends who were sitting on the other side of the theatre. He is handsome in the ‘I play football, everyone has a crush on me’ kind of way. You are pretty and obviously smart and well spoken. So tell me why if you are so smart you are willing to let someone treat you this way? Don’t tell me that you too have forgotten who you are. I am beginning to think it is an epidemic.



I saw you today. You were walking at the park with what looked to be your husband. You appear to have been married many years. I would guess by looking at the two of you that you are approaching 50 years of being married. You have on your jeans and sweatshirt, with your squeaky clean white sneakers. You are pulling a camper behind a very nice looking Chevy pick-up. I find myself making up a story about your life. You were a stay at home Mom, lived in the same house that you bought when you got married in 1958. Your husband worked for the electric company and you have a son and a daughter. You are grandparents now and really enjoy spending time with your grandchildren. You struggled with money when you were young but managed to build a nice little retirement account over the years. Your social security checks along with your savings allows you to meet your bills and of course your house is paid for. You purchased the camper and have set off across the United States. The two of you are feeding the ducks and sharing an ice cream cone. You seem happy enough. But why are you wearing a t-shirt that says I survived breast cancer? What is it in your life that isn’t working, what part of yourself have you neglected for so long that your body had to get your attention with cancer? Did you too forget who you are?



I saw you today. I went to Subway for a quick lunch. I had my baby with me and you were admiring her while you made my sandwich. You said you daughter was a year old and you were also 7 months pregnant with your third child. Your oldest is only 3. You look to be about 23 or 24. You are pretty with sandy brown hair and a full smile. You look tired. I wonder how in the world you meet all of you financial needs by working at subway. I wonder if the father of your children loves you. I wonder if he takes care of not only your home but your heart and your dreams. I wonder what you dreamed about when you were 5 years old. I thank you for making my lunch and say goodbye. I get into my car and see you coming out the side of the building. Your pregnant belly emerges before you do. The next thing I see is a cigarette hanging from your mouth. Let me guess…………you have forgotten who you are.



I saw you today……………I saw myself.

Guess What?

Today I actually have to pick out paint samples. Emphasis on the word have! I met with the sheetrocker yesterday and in just a few short days he will be done with the first coat of primer upstairs and I will be able to start painting colors. My children's new bedrooms! I have dreamed about this day for so long, the four years since we started building this house and every year that came before that - if math is hard for you that would be 20 years - 10 x 2, two decades, 10 x 4.....a long damn time!!!

Somebody pinch me!

For those of you who don't know I LOVE to decorate. I think about it with my most of my spare thinking time, I fall asleep decorating my new house in my mind, I adore paint samples and at any given time will usually have a random assortment in my purse..hey you never know when you need to have a paint sample handy! When I was in middle school my friend Michelle and I use to go through magazines for hours on end. We had lots of pocket folders labled living rooms, dining rooms, bedrooms, kitchens, kids rooms, bathrooms, exterior etc. We would cut and sort and file appropriately all the design ideas we would come across. We drew floor plans and dreamed of the lives we would someday have inside these houses we would create in our minds. I am embarrassed to say we even named our children and picked our future husband's professions....let's just let that thought alone. :)

 Many of the wonderful things and all of the terrible things that have happened over the last twenty years I never really dreamed of. I didn't know adopting a baby would be one of the greatest joys of my life and completely change me from the inside out. I didn't know we would live through 3 years of a financial storm that threatened my husbands life, our marriage and everything I thought I understood about life. I didn't know that traveling to Arizona with my spiritual soul sister would peel back a layer of myself that I didn't even know existed. I always thought the desert would be dry, dusty and boring...who knew I would find God there. I didn't know that my parents would divorce and leave my family in shambles. I didn't know that even though you never really get used to divorced parents it does get easier as time goes by. I didn't know that my mom would eventually meet a man that we now can't imagine not having as part of our family. I didn't know that going to massage school was really God's way of leading me to one of my dearest friends. I didn't know that the best dog I have ever had would live to be 14 and be hit and killed by a car and die alone on the side of the road without me holding her and telling her how much I loved her. I didn't know that I would lose a friend to an anuerysm with no warning just twelve hours after I made lunch plans with her. I didn't know that when I went on a giant road trip for my 40th birthday that I would stumble upon my some of my original dreams from almost 20 years ago. I also didn't know that while 'killing time' one day on that same road trip I would follow a sign to a cafe' that actually led me to an art gallery where I would find a friend I didn't even know was missing from my life. I didn't know that I would have three biological children and then 15 years later want to start a whole new family through adoption. I didn't know when I stood before the Grand Canyon that it would take my breath away. I didn''t know that my Uncle Dick, one of my favorite people in the world, would get a sudden cancer diagnosis and leave us all baffled and lost when he died just five months later. I didn't know when we went to China to adopt our daughter that we were about to become part of a whole new family that we love so much. I didn't know I would eat dinner at the top of the World Trade Center at Windows on the World and six months later it would crumble to the ground. I didn't know that when I held my sister's first baby for the first time that the baby would already have passed away. I didn't know that my first boyfriend would lead me to a lifelong friendship that has endured every up and down you can imagine and we would still be laughing together all these years later. I didn't know that my dream house would pose so many challenges and heartaches and JOY. Thank God I didn't know all the joy or all the heartache that lay before me or I might have found it hard to participate in life. I remember hearing a quote by Arthur Ash (the great tennis player) before he died...it went something like this "If I ask why me about my sorrows, then I would have to ask why me about my joys."

So I think I will just say thank you, put on my warm scarf and winter coat and brave the single digit temperature all in the name of paint samples. And joy.....